There are many things in this life that cause us pain.
Relationships, finances, and illnesses top the list of things that cause pain.
We feel the pain when we don’t have enough money to keep our lights on or feed our family. The pain is much more intimate when it is searing through your body. For example, I have an autoimmune disease. I am not sure which one, but the doctor is confident that there is one there. There are days that I wake up and pain is shooting through my body.
Your story may not be very different. There may be days that you wake up and fight through all this pain. It could be a result of chronic illness or age. Whatever the reason the pain is there. It resonates through your body. Is it financial pain? As much of a struggle as that is we can fix that. Better jobs, side jobs, or selling things online can offset that pain. Yet, there is still a pain that happens that cannot be offset by strategy. Ignoring the issue will not change it. It must be dealt with head on.
You know what that pain is?
It is the pain caused by relationships.
There is no other pain that I know of that is as hard as relational. Think about it. When something isn’t right in your relationships you feel it. You feel it in your heart, your emotions, your mind, and ends up in your body. The stress from relational pain can be intense. There is nothing in this world that can compare to someone you love treating you in a negative way.
In future blogs, I will write on how to walk through relational pain.
Today, my purpose in our conversation is going to be a little different.
This brings me to my question that I want to ask you.
Have you ever wanted to share your pain, but failed to do so?
<Are you suffering in silence unable to speak about your pain?>
I am not sure when it started. It could have been when I was a child. If I am honest about it this happened right before my dad left. Things in the house were always tense. He was not a good man. Many things happened. Yet, it was around this time that I thought to myself, “If I stay silent than my mom and dad won’t be mad all the time.” Life didn’t happen that way. I stayed silent. Things got worse. He left and I blamed myself.
Throughout the year’s things didn’t improve much. I had been through one trial after another. Most of them were avoidable if I would have said something to the other person. I stayed silent. Suffering in silence I would hold everyone in and let life go on as “normal” as I could. Always silent about the issues. Never brave enough to share the pain of my heart.
To make myself feel better about it I began to believe lies.
Lie #1: I don’t have time for myself I am helping others.
I held onto this lie the most. I had convinced myself that I was the wounded warrior. It didn’t matter how hurt I was. What mattered was that I was helping people. I lost myself in helping people. In my mind helping people was the reason I could keep moving forward. As long as people needed me then I was OK.
I was wrong. Being OK was not what I was. I was the opposite of OK. Immersed in the simplicity of it. Helping others was OK, but helping myself was not.
I even convinced myself that I was selfish if I focused too much on helping myself.
As the years went on, I spent a lot of time helping others. I failed at helping myself. To this day, I struggle with this lie. I have to fight for my health by denouncing this lie. Being healthy is the true way to help others to be healthy.
Lie #2: People will be offended and hurt.
This lie has truth to it. My struggle was that I was afraid to hurt people’s feelings. I didn’t want to offend anyone. The fear of hurting others drove me. It caused me to internalize everything I was feeling. If I was hurt you wouldn’t hear about it. My mind made my heart believe that hurting others was the worst thing that I could do. So I fought very hard not to hurt anyone. That meant that I had to stay silent.
People will be offended. You cannot help that. You can help yourself find healing through speaking up.
<Don’t stay silent. Speak up in Love. >
The lies we believe can be powerful. We must dismantle them one by one.
Let me share with you a truth of two that will help you fight that lie.
Truth: You cannot heal what you do not discuss.
Life boils down to connection through conversation. How we interact with one another. The words we use and don’t use. They all matter.
Conversations of couples in love is a beautiful things. It gives and takes. The conversation lifts one another up. Each couple can challenge the other. There is freedom to speak. Most important is the safety they have when they speak. Knowing that they can speak free without fear of reprisal is the great give you can give someone. That is the beauty of connection through conversation.
It is in this setting there is a freedom to share our inner most thoughts. In this atmosphere I can talk about what the problem is. Together we can find a solution. You cannot find a solution for things that are left unsaid. If it isn’t brought up there will not be any solution.
If you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem.
So let’s make a pact to be problem solvers and not problem creators.
Here is the kicker. When I share my inner most thoughts something powerful happens.
Truth: I am empowered to share more.
The more I share the more I want to share. Once I open the floodgates for positive healing conversations I will want to continue it. When I share I am empowered to share more. A cycle of healing can develop. I have to break my silence and share my heart issues with people I care about. It is an amazing feeling to be able to share my pain in a healthy way. Sharing anything and breaking the silence is the win here.
The opposite is true:
What you bury will turn into bitterness.
I hate that this is a truth. Whatever I don’t share has the potential to become a bitter poison in my soul. It could be avoidable if I would have shared. Yet, my silence has allowed for so much bitterness. I sit here typing these words burdened by the pain I have yet to share. Shackled by own bitterness. Praying that there will be a way to break these chains. The only way I have found: begin talking about it. Open up and share my pain.
It is time for you to be free!
Let me give you 3 encouragements which you will see unpacked in future blogs.
— Learn to find your voice.
It is your voice and the world is desperate to hear it. Even if they don’t know it yet. Learn to find your voice and speak up.
— Realize that the personal isn’t as fragile as you believe.
I am going to talk about this extensively in an upcoming blog. People are not as breakable as you and I believe they are. Most people can handle hard truth given to them in a loving way.
— Don’t be held back by the fear of what “Might” happen.
Avoid the paralyzing fear of “What If” and “Might”, because they will only give you trouble in the end. You will be afraid of the unknown. The unknown wasn’t mean to be feared. It was meant to be explored. Don’t be caught in the slippery slope of what “might” happen.
I would love for you to do a few things for me 🙂
#1. I love it when people share their thoughts.
I am eager to hear how you have helped someone through this? Please honor me by commenting below! I look forward to engaging you through them!
#2. Would you consider sharing these retweets as well as sharing the article?
[bctt tweet=” If you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem. #problemsolvers” username=”Jim_burgoon”]
[bctt tweet=” The lies we believe can be powerful. We must dismantle them one by one. #tearitdown” username=”jim_burgoon”]
[bctt tweet=” It is your voice and the world is desperate to hear it. Even if they don’t know it yet. Learn to find your voice and speak up.” username=”Jim_burgoon”]