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How to Heal Broken Trust

When hurt appears trust disappears. Without trust, we cannot have deep relationships. Now is the time to learn how to heal broken trust.
Have you ever had a time when someone broke your trust?
 
How did you handle that?
 
I am willing to bet that it wasn’t handled well.
 
You may have yelled, stormed off, stop speaking to them, or even hit them.
 
Whatever your response was I know what you were feeling.
 
You were feeling betrayed.
 
It hurt that someone you trusted did that to you. Your whole world broke that day.
 
[bctt tweet=”The stronger the relationship the deeper the hurt when our trust is broken. #trust” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
Now, you are reading this blog hoping for some guidance on how to find healing for that hurt.
 
So I have a question for you.
 
Would you like to find a way to repair your broken trust?
 
When hurt appears trust disappears. Without trust, we cannot have deep relationships. Now is the time to learn how to heal broken trust.
 
Recently, I had a conversation with someone I care about. We were talking about offense, pain, broken trust, and straight up jacked up behavior.
 
Then she made a comment that blew me away.
 
She said that there was an incident 17 years ago that she never got over. Being the curious person that I am I pressed for some details.
 
Years ago there was a moment when I walked out on her. I wasn’t leaving the relationship. There was no mention of abandoning her.
 
I had decided to leave for a few hours. The biggest mistake I made was that I did not mention when I would return. I walked out and drove away.
 
I know, I was a jerk that day.
What I discovered was that her parents abandoned her when she was a child.
She never got over that.
 
So get this picture,
when I walked out for those few hours it set her off.
It triggered a dark place in her soul.
She felt like she was being abandoned all over again.
I was a hothead and she was in pain. I should have stayed that night, but I did not want fall into a rage. That would not have been right. So I left to cool off.
17 years later she is still holding onto this one incident.
I cannot begin to fathom what that is like. To hold onto such pain for so long. Continuing to remind yourself over and over of the same incident for 17 years.
My actions degraded her trust further and cause a lot of undue stress and pain.
I realized a few things.

1. The longer you hold onto an incident the harder it will be to release it.

2. If we don’t release the incident and offer forgiveness then we will become bitter and empty.

3. If bitterness and emptiness rule your life then you have no hope to trust again.

I don’t know about you,
but,
When hurt appears trust disappears. Without trust, we cannot have deep relationships. Now is the time to learn how to heal broken trust.
[bctt tweet=”I want to have hope for a better today than I had yesterday.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
So, let me ask you this question.
Who hurt you so much that you are still holding onto the incident?
My sense is that you have been holding on to this issue for a long time.
 
The incident could have happened 5 years, 15 years, 25 years ago.
 
But you are still holding onto it.
It still guides your relationships, your decisions, and how much you hold back.
Instead of showing the world the beauty of your soul you hide.
You may be afraid someone will hurt you again.
It’s time to start to find healing.
 
[bctt tweet=”It’s time to show the world the beauty of who you are. #awaken” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
Here is a truth:
When hurt appears trust disappears. Without trust, we cannot have deep relationships. Now is the time to learn how to heal broken trust.
[bctt tweet=”When pain is deep trust is elusive. #findingfreedom #healingsoul” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
What makes it harder is that you are adding pain on top of pain. Which means that trust is getting smaller and smaller.
 
When you lack trust it:

1. You are very guarded.

No one will gain access to your heart, your feelings, or your life. You were burnt once and not you guard yourself so that it cannot happen again.

2. You are controlling.

Controlling the situation is the best defense for someone who doesn’t trust anyone. Citing, “If I am in control then no one will be able to hurt me again.”

3. You are suspicious of everyone.

Every person you come into contact with is a person who could hurt you. When they speak you are wondering if they are trying to deceive you. You cannot be sure so you will watch them for long periods of time trying to find out their true purpose.
 
This list is by no means exhaustive. As a matter of fact, I could write the next few dozen posts on our response to broken trust.
 
But,
 
doesn’t it tire you out?
 
Thinking about how much energy it takes not trusting anyone makes me tired.
 
[bctt tweet=”The less trust you have the more empty your life is.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
The lack of trust makes us feel:

1. Empty.

No connection equals no relationship. If I cannot trust you then I cannot connect to you.

2. Isolated

Isolation occurs when we erect walls that denies entry into our lives.
I realize that we all struggle to trust. We have been holding onto pain for so long that it feels like it is a part of us.
 
All because of that one issue, or series of incidents, that happened so long ago.
 
It’s time to let go and move on.
 
Time to trust again.
 
So the question is: How do I learn to trust again?

1. Take Baby Steps

You will not wake up tomorrow morning trusting everyone. It will take time.
 
Yet,
 
If I take small steps today to trust then I will be trusting again in no time.
 
I have a saying. I am not sure where it comes from, but it so fits in this particular step.
When hurt appears trust disappears. Without trust, we cannot have deep relationships. Now is the time to learn how to heal broken trust.
 
[bctt tweet=”A little job done is better than a big job talked about.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
What we do is decide we want to trust again. That is a huge lofty goal. I love that people have those huge goals.
 
The only issue is that we leave it in the lofty stages and do not pull it into the practical.
 
Check my article: Stop making resolutions. It will give you a great intro on how to create SMART goals. Applying that model to this goal would be a wonderful way to fight for your emotional health.
 
What does taking BABY STEPS look like?

a. I am going to forgive the person who hurt me of a smaller issue.

It is possible that the person who hurt you was unfaithful to your relationship, but you still love them. You want to forgive them, but you feel the issue is too great.
Take a Baby step: Forgive them for the little things first.
Forgive them for not taking out the trash or cleaning up after themselves.
[bctt tweet=”Forgiving the small things over time will allow you to forgive the big things later on.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
You have to work up to it.
Jesus once said, Keep forgiving until it sticks (My paraphrase).

b. I am going to trust them with 1 thing but not everything.

This is a key to rebuilding trust.
If you stop trusting someone and do not want to give them another chance then it’s time to move on.
Stop wasting your time and theirs if you refuse to work it out. I get that hurt it there. I never want to undermine the prevalence of deep hurt.
 
[bctt tweet=”We must recognize the hurt then decide if we want to do something about it.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
If you want to move past your hurt then you are going to have to take baby steps.
A Baby Step here may be that you find 1 thing and give it to the person to allow them to rebuild your trust. It could be that you allow them to clean a certain part of the house. You may allow them to manage the budget. You may give them an important task.
When they prove faithful in the small then put more on them.
Whatever it is for you the one thing I know:
Start small and work up to the big.

2. Realize your future is different than your past.

We tend to judge our future based on our past.
 
That is such a tough thing.
When hurt appears trust disappears. Without trust, we cannot have deep relationships. Now is the time to learn how to heal broken trust. 
[bctt tweet=”When we base our future on our past we are setting ourselves up for failure.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
We are saying that everyone in my future is already screwed, because of what that person did in my yesterday.
 
[bctt tweet=”Every new person you meet deserves the opportunity to make their own statement in your life.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
It is ok to be a little guarded at first, but it is not ok to judge people based on other people
Everyone must have the opportunity to screw up for themselves.
We have to be graceful enough to allow them to express who they are.
 
If they are not trustworthy then they will show you that.
 
Then you have a decision to make:

a. Take Baby Steps (refer to the first point).

b. Consider removing them from your life (If a doesn’t work).

You are the one who allows what is in your life. If it isn’t healthy and of value then learn to guard your heart by removing it.

3. Take a look at yourself

I wrote a blog post that is so applicable here. It’s called: Am I the problem? Click the link and take a look at it.
 
It will challenge your thinking about problems and causes.
 
One thing I do want to say is this:
If you are carrying hurt the emptiness and pain you feel is originating from you and not those around you.
Yes, it started from others.
 
But, when it wasn’t healed it festered and now it directs your decisions.
 
[bctt tweet=”The lack of trust you feel for EVERYONE is only a reflection of that pain and anguish in your soul.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]
 
Don’t you think it’s time to find healing?

Here is what I want you to do next.

1. Subscribe to this blog.

It would be an honor to continue this journey with you. This post is only 1 post in a series that I am doing for the next several weeks. I would love to walk with you and help you on your journey towards health.

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2. Comment below.

It would love to have you join the conversation. I love hearing different perspectives, tips I did not cover, and how I can add more value to you. I reply to every comment 🙂

About the Author Jim

  • Katja says:

    I think it’s commendable to try and rebuild trust. Great advice!
    Katja xxx
    http://www.katnapped.com

  • Forgiveness really depends on what was done and under what kind of circumstances. But I guess, usually, unless it is something really serious, just get over it. Why hold onto negative feelings that influence your own life in so many bad ways. Life is short, hold on to all positivity.

    • Jim says:

      “Why hold onto negative feelings that influence your own life in so many bad ways.” I liked this statement! I agree. Why should we hold onto things that waste our time, energy, and emotions. We should hold on to things that make us healthier.I would like to mention something towards the first statement that you had made. I don’t think that forgiveness depends on anything but us. I can forgive people. It doesn’t matter what they have done. I can still learn to forgive them. I don’t have to invite them back into my life. Wisdom says that I can forgive from a distance without ever being close to the person again. If I withhold forgiveness then I am allowing the person to hold me emotionally hostage. Thank you for joining the conversation.

  • Trust is a hard thing to get back. I can forgive, but I have a hard time forgetting. That feeling will always be there.

    • Jim says:

      I don’t think we were ever meant to forget. I think forgetting will cause us to repeat the same issues. We are to learn from our past. We are not to live in our past, but we are learning from it. This will ensure that we are always growing and moving forward in life. Thank you for joining the conversation!

  • stacey says:

    Honestly it depends on what they did. I have forgiven and I have not looked back and moved on. But I have never made a scene or lost my cool. And like you said above, that has no relevance on whether I trusted anyone else either.

  • Once trust is broken it is very difficult to bring it back to where it was before. It really does take time.

    http://lovekimber.com/

    • Jim says:

      Yes it does! Our ability to trust comes from how much healing we have had in our lives. When trust is love it is because we have so much residue of pain. If we want to trust again we have to work on our own healing. Thank you for joining the conversation!

  • katrina gehman says:

    some of those saying are so very true. trust can be healed but it takes time.

  • sara says:

    I think that trusting in someone is estremely important. When someone break trust it’s so difficult to re-build it.

  • Jenny says:

    Personally, I don’t trust anyone (including family). I don’t make friends either and if I do, you’re damn special in my eyes and I’ve never been hurt by those people. But this is a great post and has some great info 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

    • Jim says:

      I appreciate the honesty. The first quesiton I have is this: what happens when you are hurt by one of those people? Do you stop being friends with them?

  • CourtneyLynne says:

    Gaining trust after it’s been lost is definitely a tough one. Actions speak louder than words though, so if you really mean it, it will definitely shine through

    • Jim says:

      There is a lot of truth in what you are saying. What I find is that there are times when people do mean it, but their actions and habits don’t match up with their hearts. When someone wants change they will have to change their attitude, their habits, and their thoughts. When those 3 things come into alignment change can really happen. Thank you for joining in the conversation!

  • deb says:

    Relationships are a constant work in progress. 🙂 Takes time but is always worth having the conversation!

  • Wonderful article. I think everyone has a different way of dealing with this situation. I forgive easy but I always seem to hold on. I can’t seem to let the hurt go.

    • Jim says:

      I would ask a few questions here. If you find it easy to forgive but hard to let go, have you really forgiven them in the first place? Secondly, if what painful event have you been through in the past that is causing your present self to want to be guarded so easily? I find that letting go of the hurt is easier than forgiving someone. Once you get trough the forgiveness part letting go comes in steps and stages. Thank you for joining in. I would love to further the conversation!

  • I’m not good at relationships, i’m 24 and I started my first relationship 15 months ago
    but we do think as a couple that hiding things isn’t good for us so we try to be honest
    with each other and every night we discuss the things we dont like

    • Jim says:

      Healthy communication is the foundation of a great relationship. Keep that up and you will have a healthy relationship that will stand the test of time! Thank you for joining in on the conversation.

  • Haley Jacobs says:

    This post made me realize that there were some things that I was still holding onto. Good read!

    xo Haley

    • Jim says:

      Thank you for joining in on the conversation! I hope that you are able to let go of the things holding you back from your potential.

  • Missy says:

    I agree, we all tend to gravitate back to the places we left, no matter if we are christians or not. That’s our sin nature and the corruption of the human heart. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” – Jeremiah 17:9 I like to think of sin as gravity having a constant pull on us, like the ring in Lord of the Rings. (I finally watched all the Lord of the Rings movies – they are AMAZING!) We have to be killing sin daily, or sin will be killing us. It’s a daily struggle for me, for sure. Our weapon is God’s word, that is our sword. “the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” Eph 6:17. Do you think that a good healthy habit would be to devote yourself to God’s word each day, so that we can be strong in the Lord?

    Always a good conversation with you, Jim!

    • Jim says:

      Absolutely, devoting yourself to the word each day is a great habit. You cannot live a devoted life without it. However, it is not the only habit we need. God outlines a number of habits that are needed to be strong in him.

  • Chloe says:

    I can relate to so much of this post. I have so much trouble letting go of when people hurt me and in the end it only deepens the wounds of a relationship. I’m not sure how to let go of the hurt when my trust is broken, but I hope it is something I can work on for my future.

    • Jim says:

      Thank you for joining the conversation! Later in this series (Throughout Feb) I am going to be touching on different topics like the one you mentioned. I am going to speak on letting go of hurt, forgiveness, connection, and so forth 🙂 .. I encourage you to subscribe. Take the journey towards health with everyone who visits this site. Plus, I would love to chat further and help you. Blessings!

  • Missy says:

    This is an interesting blog title. It’s hard to address broken trust without addressing forgiveness. The only way I have overcome betrayal is through forgiveness. Whenever I find it hard to forgive someone who has betrayed me, I need only to remember how much I have been forgiven. Betrayal is one of the most devastating forms of pain we can experienced. It is what nailed Jesus to the cross. The cross is where we find the answer and where we find forgiveness.

    You don’t have to trust someone in order to forgive them. Forgiving someone is only possible with God – Luke 18:27 “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” At the bottom of broken trust you’ll find a broken heart. The bible speaks directly to the broken hearted. The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope. – Psalm 34:18.

    Thank you, Jim. I love questions that make me think. You were always good at making me think 😉

    • Jim says:

      I appreciate your words. I agree with you that our forgiveness is found at The Cross of Christ. I have spent a little while walking with Jesus and have found something very interesting. Christians (Myself included) are great at sharing the right things, but we tend to be lacking in the carrying out stage. In the 1000s of people I have had the priveledge of engaging with I found this trend to be very true. Another trend that I have found is that people don’t know what happens after forgiveness. Ephesians 4:22-24 tells me to, “To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” What I see in this world is forgiven believers who are still walking around in old habits. Habits of unforgiveness, criticalness, and so on. Once we are forgiven we have to learn to change destructive habits and replacing them with empowering habits. We are great at coming to the place of forgiveness, but we tend to end up back in the very places we left. Why? Because we are forgiven but have never worked through the pain and damage of our pasts. My post is birthed from that place. Practical steps towards renewing your life before Christ and living continually in that 🙂 . During this month (Devoted to Relationships) I plan to address the place of forgiveness in the relationship. Thank you for joining the conversation!

  • Dawn says:

    What a great post!!! You are so right! I have had what I refer to as a rather “Jerry Spingeresque” life and have learned that even when you know these things it’s still hard to remember and practice. Thank you very much for sharing. I can’t wait to see what you have to say next.

    • Jim says:

      I practice martial arts. We continually practice until the move becomes second nature. Meaning, we can do the move without thinking about it. I like to equate this illustration with practicing your emotional health walk. We should be walking in such a way that it is second nature to forgive, to move on, and to do what is needed to walk in a healthy manner. It takes time, practice, and hard work. However, a little thing done over a long time creates something big. You are at the start of your journey. Focus on being healthy and it will become second nature. Thank you for your kind words! I look forward to engaging with you! If you haven’t already, I would encourage to subscribe to the site. You’ll get the updates on each post.

  • I’m so glad I found this post now. I recently had this happen to me and it’s been hard to deal with. I’ve found just staying positive and trying to move on is the best thing to do. And realizing there are other things going on for that person as well.
    This article was so well written 🙂
    Amanda

    • Jim says:

      Thank you for your kind words and for joining the conversation! I am blessed to see that you a direction in your journey. Sometimes, moving on is the only option we have. If that is the path you decide then be ok with it. Remember, you are fighting for your emotional health!

  • This post resonates with me. I had something happen over 7 years ago that keeps coming up and I have to choose to forgive and move on each time. It’s definitely not a one and done thing.
    But, one thing that I appreciate about relationships is that if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t get hurt. The fact that you’ve gotten yourself into a relationship has allowed you to open yourself up to care enough to be hurt. Relationships are definitely messy, but if both parties are willing to never give up on each other, the relationship can go on!
    Thanks for the encouraging read!

  • Robin Rue says:

    Broken trust is one of the worst things to experience. It is so hard to be able to trust anyone fully again especially if the person that broke your trust was close to you.

    • Jim says:

      I so agree! When we are violated and our trust is broken it is a terrible feeling! You don’t have to trust everyone, but you have to trust someone. Even if that someone isn’t the person who hurt you. Sometimes the best thing to do is forgive them and move on. It really depends on your context. I would love to further the conversation. Thank you for joining in on the post!

  • AMANDA says:

    The comment you made about now being suspicious of everyone is so very true. Some people have a hard time accepting this concept. They’ll be like “well i would NEVER do..” whatever it is. But they fail to realize that the last person said that too. Trust is a very hard thing to gain again.

    • Jim says:

      I think people who say “I would never do that…” are people who mean well, but are overcompensating for their own insecurities. Under the right conditions we are capable of hurting one another. I think a better statement is, “I will care for you the best that I can…” All the while we should be working on out healing so that we can prevent own pain from hurting others. Trust is a funny thing: It takes years to build and seconds to lose. Thank you for your thoughts and for joining the conversation.

  • Krysten says:

    I just recently lost a friend due to broken trust.
    It has made me feel hurt, unloved, and like a lousy person because I have to be for someone to break my trust like that.
    You’re right though, not being able to trust is not good and causes a lot more problems than the good you think. So I will continue and try to open my heart again.

    • Jim says:

      A life that lacks trust is a life that lacks connection (Next weeks post topic in on connection). Because we are hurt we tend to shut everyone out. That isn’t healthy because we need people to help us though the tough situation. Thank you for being real and for joining in on the conversation.

  • Andrea Broom says:

    This was an amazing post to read, I have struggled with past distrust issues. This is so true, I’m gonna trust them with one thing not everything. Our past doesn’t necessarily mark our future. Thanks so much for this 🙂

  • Anonymous says:

    This was an amazing post to read, I have struggled with past distrust issues. This is so true, I’m gonna trust them with one thing not everything. Our past doesn’t necessarily mark our future. Thanks so much for this 🙂

  • Linda says:

    Great post, Jim. I have sent this link to a friend who is going through a really hard time right now. Thank you for writing it.

  • Loudy says:

    I think this is a post that everybody should read. It talks about important subjects that we live in our lives. I think that trust is the key to a successful relationship but as you said when it’s broken it’s for ever unfortunately. Thanks for sharing

  • Marcela says:

    I love this article, I don’t really remember when or what was one thing that has made me to all argues and misunderstandings want to clear it up all the way instantly. Because of that kind of feeling and state of the mind (dark place) I always talk through, while I can’t leave it for later. I don’t know sometimes is that bad or a good thing.

    • Jim says:

      Leaving it for later isn’t the most healthy thing we can do. Why? Because we are assuming life won’t happen between now and when we are ready to deal with it. In all honestly, what we don’t deal with quickly it will only compact what we are already facing with new challanges. The best method is to start today! Thank you for joining the conversation.

  • Helen Vella says:

    Great post and all very true. Most of the clients I deal with are all holding onto something that happened in their past. This shapes how the act, react and interact with other human beings and it molds who they become. Releasing is the only way to move forward and become the person you really want to become. Thanks for sharing.

  • Susan says:

    I have a problem with implementing the baby steps over and over again with someone so close. You are so right with it taking loads out of you, it so does.
    If it’s someone not in my inner circle then I just let them go, I don’t see the point of trusting them again.
    What I will be doing is taking your advice on going back and finding out who and what I’m holding onto.

    • Jim says:

      It can be very difficult doing the same things over and over. Sometimes, letting them go is the best course of action. I am so blessed to see that you are going to go back to the past issues and re-evaluate them. I have noticed that current issues are often times just an add on to what is already there. Let me know how I can help! Thank you for joining the conversation!

  • Cheryl F says:

    This hits me very hard! I have a trust issue with the father of my son. We’re not married (not yet) but we are living together every time he comes home from work. He works abroad. I guess it’s automatic to be suspicious once the trust has been broken. I keep questioning things around him. And as of this writing, I still don’t know if I can release it and try trusting again. Trust puts us in no good terms. I used to believe that I can’t trust the people who hurt me and maybe still believe in that. But I’m looking forward to a future where every negative feelings are gone.

    • Jim says:

      Pain and trust go hand in hand. Both can be intense. Both can take a long time to heal. Keep working on your babysteps. If you start small then you can rebuild your trust with him. I had a question, where you experiencing trust issues before your relationship? If so, then he is not the root of the issue. He is just another addition to the already present problems. You may have to go back and work through earlier trust issues and build your emotional health up to deal with your current one. Thank you for joining the conversation! Let me know how I cna help!

  • It’s always easy to forgive a person who has broken your trust. What’s tough is having to trust them again. I don’t think I can ever do that when someone has broken my trust, I can be civil but I can never trust that person again.

  • Elizabeth O. says:

    I am never good with rebuilding trust. Once I’ve lost my trust in you, it will definitely be tough to get it back especially when it’s something that has caused me a lot of pain.

  • Amber Myers says:

    I have had my trust broken before. It did take some time for me to get over it. And even now I can be wary of things and people, but I try not to be like that. It just hurts that someone can be so careless with another person’s feelings.

    • Jim says:

      I am so in agreement. It can hurt deeply when someone is careless with my feelings. It hurts when I realize that I am careless with anoher person’s feelings. The battle for health is a daily (sometimes minute by minute) fight. Thank you for joining the conversation!

  • Maybe I’m too fresh out of having my heart broken and my family shattered by someone else’s lack of consideration for others. Maybe I’m still too fresh from 11 years of being hurt and being told to let it go and get over it and stop dwelling on things that happened in the past. Maybe I’m too fresh out of the pain of being told that my pain wasn’t significant enough to render change, or even sincere apology.

    Can’t like it, I’m sorry. I don’t trust people often or easily, and that’s with good reason. I like that I’m guarded now, and I don’t see it as something that needs fixing.

    Maybe, probably, I’m still too sensitive – but I have learned to like that, too.

    • Jim says:

      I reflected on your words for several minutes. I can see the pain in your words. My heart breaks that people have told you to “Get over it.” Pain takes a while to process through. Especially when the pain has lasted so long. I find that the more guarded we are the deeper our pain it. I spent a number of years living that way. One day, I realized that I will no longer be held hostage by those that hurt me. When I held onto the pain and what they did to me I realized that I was still giving them power over me. I was not going to allow anyone to wield that power over me anymore. That is when I decided I would be emotionally and mentally healthy at any cost. As I found emotional healing I was able to open up to people again. That was the day I knew that my life would be full again. Thank you for sharing your pain with me. I will be praying for you.

      • Thank you for your prayers – I don’t feel that my guardedness is because I’m holding onto the pain though. I have for the most part released the sense of hurt, and in general I’m not even all that angry about it anymore. Obviously I am still sensitive to it in some way, otherwise this post wouldn’t have struck such a chord with me – but all the same, and as I said before, I don’t feel that I’m guarded because I’m holding onto old pain. I’m guarded because it prevents new pain. Letting go of the one does not prevent the other, and while I can let go of the old (and continue to refrain from making potential new partners “pay” the price for the last one), it doesn’t mean I have to lay myself bare to having the process repeated. Past pain doesn’t have to be a crutch, no – but if you don’t wish to repeat it, it MUST be a lesson.

        • Jim says:

          Thank you for the reply. There is a lot of truth in what you are saying. You are right, you can be guarded without holding onto pain. It is seen as wisdom to be guarded at first. You don’t want to show someone all of your treasure at first. On the one point you maid about the sensitivity. What I have found is that when I am sensitive to something it means that there is some residue that I have to still deal with from prior incidents. It doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on. No! What I find is that it is an indicator of some more healing that needs to be done in that area. We are all on the journey towards health. Memories are powerful. They often times uncover things that we have lost the memory of. Thak you again for the enagegment. You have a commendable self-reflection skill! Thank you for sharing it.

          • Of course, and thanks for the chat! I agree wholeheartedly about the residue, too – I’m currently in therapy for PTSD. We all have our bits to move on from, I suppose.

          • Jim says:

            Yes we do. Everyone of us have been damaged in some way. Even though we are damaged it doesn’t mean we have to stay that way. I appreciate you and your journey. Thank you for the chat. I have enjoyed our interchange. Blessings!

  • Abigail says:

    This post certainly gets you thinking! So informative and I loved the writing style, very understandable

  • Anonymous says:

    It took me a long time to be able to trust in people again, a long time and your right you become suspicious and you hold onto pain. I am still healing xx

    • Jim says:

      The deeper your pain the more suspicious you will be. I will be praying for you! Let me know how I can be of service. Also, thank you for joining the conversation.

  • GiGi Eats says:

    I am a very loyal person. I can be trusted. I never have to deal with broken trust because I don’t break trust.

    • Jim says:

      I love your positivity and humor! I visited your youtube channel. You have some great stuff going on! 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to stop by my site and joining the conversation.

  • Shirley says:

    Thank you for your blog post. This article is so helpful and keeping me positive.

  • Entrepremom says:

    I’ve had my share of this episode. My ex boyfriend who left me just before my graduation, my husband who chatted with a girl who liked him, a bestfriend who talked about my finances to one of my enemies, the list goes on.

    It’s painful, super. But I cannot dwell on this bad feeling anymore. I forgive them and move on with my life.

    • Jim says:

      That is awesome to hear! you have to let people go. I tell people, “You cannot take some people with you to the places you are going.” Meaning, I want the best for my life and some people are not compatible for that. I am super blessed to hear that you have moved on! I am sorry that the pain happened, but the outcomes seems like it is moving in the right direction. Thank you for joining the conversation.

  • Laurie Albanos says:

    Great reminder that forgiving others is more for ourselves than the other person.

    • Jim says:

      I think we have believed that forgiveness has to involve the other person. It doesn’t. Forgiveness means I am releasing them from a debt I think they owe me. It doesn’t mean I have to tell them or interact with them again. I always think of the person in an abusive relationship. The person who is being abused (needs to get away from the situation) has to offer forgiveness to the abuser. It does not mean that they ever have to interact with the abuser again. They can forgive from a distance. I would love to see the hallmark moments when people would forgive everyone. Then all the hugging and kissing happens. Sadly, life doesn’t work out so nice all the time. However, we still must forgive. We don’t want anyone to hold us hostage via our emotions. Thank you for joining the conversation!

  • Really lovely and well written post! These can be used not just in a relationship but also with family and friends!

    • Jim says:

      Yes! they can. When I wrote this post I took the stance that all relationships (families and friends) could potentially need some TLC. I think we relegate our relationship advice to dating or married. What about all the other relationships? Some many principals are able to be applied in different dynamics. Thank you for bringing that point out. I appreciate it very much!

  • Alissa says:

    What a powerful and helpful blog post, Jim. I completely believe that we have to be part of our healing process as it won’t just go away.
    http://www.notokthatsokcoach.com

    • Jim says:

      That you for your kind words! Yes! If we are not involved in the process then we won’t find true healing. Thank you for that comment. It really adds to the post. I hope you get a chance to check out some of my other posts. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you on your journey!

  • Tyeshia says:

    Very interesting perspective. I struggle with letting go of past hurts. I guess I just always assumed as I matured they would automatically melt away. Clearly that is not the case.

    • Jim says:

      There is something in us that wants to believe that everything will just go away with time. The older I get the more I realize that it isn’t the case. However, once we realize what the issue is we can start to work on healing it. Thank you for joining the conversation!

  • Krista says:

    Wow this truly is a well written article. I need to release some of the things I’ve been holding onto (even the small things). Thanks for the inspiration, Jim.

    • Jim says:

      I am so glad that the article was very helpful! Let me know how I can assist you on your journey! Thank you for joining the conversation.

  • Nitin says:

    Well written. So many great points all stacked up at one place. Thanks for sharing so much in detail. It helps! 🙂

  • Alyssa says:

    Thank you for your blog post, Jim. Very helpful!! Appreciate your candidness!

  • The Sun Mama says:

    I also believe that longer we hold on to an incident the harder it is to release it…. I believe finding a place for forgiveness is not just to ease the burden of the person who caused pain to us, but a bridge to release our own hearts , so that we can live a life with contentment…. I loved this post, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us…

    • Jim says:

      Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words of encouragement! 🙂 I love your point. A life of contentment is truly developed through the constant release of things. Thank you for that!!

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