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It's time to STOP blaming others and START looking at our own hearts. We have been blaming everyone else for being toxic, but what if we were the problem?

Am I the problem?

You and I have a problem.

[bctt tweet=”Admitting that we have a problem is one of the hardest things that we struggle with. ” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

We know it exists.

Right below the surface is all our pain, our hurts, and our issues. It is waiting for the right place and time to show it’s ugly head.

The last few articles I had focused on toxic relationships.

This got me thinking.

What if I am the toxic person? 

My definition of toxic is a person who has never dealt with their hurts, pains, and unforgiveness. Over time this lack of healing has poisoned the soul of this individual. 

[bctt tweet=”A poisoned soul hurts the person and everyone around them.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

When you think about it, we can say a great number of people could be toxic. Read my article, “Your friends could be the reason you’re not thriving.” This should give you some insight on living in proximity to toxic individuals.

Now, we have to turn our gaze to the person in the mirror

Yes, you got it.

That person in the mirror is you.

It's time to STOP blaming others and START looking at our own hearts. We have been blaming everyone else for being toxic, but what if we were the problem?

The mirror doesn’t lie. It only reflects what it sees. 

When you take a look in the mirror what do you see?

I don’t mean glance. Take a long hard look at yourself.

Go past the beautiful exterior and into the person you have hidden from the world. The person you know exists, but no one else does. 

You wish that you could let this person out. The problem is that you carry a bit of damage in your soul. You are afraid to let the real you out. Afraid that people may judge you for the you that you hide.

[bctt tweet=”It’s time to stop hiding behind the masks and start showing the world who you are. ” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

The you that you hide is the real you. Let them out. 

You have gone through your own hurt. There are things in your life that you wish you could forget. Pain that you wish you could erase.

That pain is a product of your past. You have gone through was horrible. Now, you are dealing with the residue of it.

That residue sucks. It’s messy.

There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to the pain you feel.

But it is there.

We all have it.

[bctt tweet=”Toxic souls come from a lifetime of running from the pain.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

Even though we have this hurt and pain it doesn’t mean that we are toxic.


What if all this running has made you toxic and you don’t even know it.

It's time to STOP blaming others and START looking at our own hearts. We have been blaming everyone else for being toxic, but what if we were the problem?

Instead of running we need to start dealing with the pain. 

[bctt tweet=”The difference between becoming toxic and becoming whole is that we deal with our issues. ” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

Time to stop running from your issues. 

It’s time to start running towards healing and wholeness. 

Start facing your issues head on. 

Don’t let your issues conquer you. Become victorious over them.

It's time to STOP blaming others and START looking at our own hearts. We have been blaming everyone else for being toxic, but what if we were the problem?

Which brings me back to my question.

What if I am the toxic person?

It could be the reason that you have a lot more acquaintances and not enough friends. That could be the reason that you are in a constant emotional state of ups and downs. As a matter of fact, it could even be the reason that you have a hard time allowing others to share the spotlight with you.

You could be toxic and not even know it. 

A friend of mine once gave me some incredible wisdom.

1. There are things that people know and God knows and you know 

2. There are things that you know and God knows, but others don’t 

3. There are things that others know and God knows, but you don’t

The first 2 are obvious. The first one says there are things in your life that EVERONE knows. The second shows us that there are things that are SECRETS between you and God. Everyone has things in them that they don’t share. That is normal. 

For a moment, I want to focus on that last part. I call this spot the Blind Spot. The spot where everyone knows something about you. It is the post that God knows about you, but you don’t have a clue.

That is the toughest pill to swallow.

Knowing that the problem we are facing can be stemming from us.  

There are 1000s of people who are living in their blind spots. 

Now, before you get upset or offended in any way.

Realize there are things coming from our lives that we don’t have a clue that we are doing it.

For example, I didn’t know that there are times that I shut down. When I feel intimidated or very nervous I shut down. I had no clue. My best friend shared that with me once. It was life changing.


[bctt tweet=”we have to STOP judging others for their issues and START looking at our own. ” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

Jesus said it best, 

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

So let’s make an agreement. Let’s be mature in our emotions. we need to start living a life of honesty. Honesty with ourselves.


let’s stop looking at everyone else’s issues. Start looking at our own and find healing.

Although there are A LOT of ways to know that you are toxic here are

a few that stand out to me:

  1. You Say A Lot Of Passive Aggressive Things.

  2. You Are Jealous Of Everyone.

  3. Blame Other People For Your Problems.

  4. You Talk About People Instead of Talking With Them.

  5. You Continue To Rehearse Conversations in Your Head.

Granted these are but a few of the many ways toxicity shows up. I had to look at my own life and realize that many of these were in my life. The list above is not exhaustive.

But the more of the above that you see in your life the greater the chance that you are toxic.

Let’s get real for a moment:

That relationship that failed may not have been your partner’s fault. It may have been yours.


I know it takes two to have a problem. I understand that the other person plays a big part in the problem.


what can you take responsibility for? 

If you said nothing then chances are you could be the problem. 

[bctt tweet=”Toxic people do not take responsibility for their part of the problem. ” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

What about the people at work that you claim hate you? You swear up and down that they cannot stand you.

Instead of trying to make it right you become passive aggressive. You have hundreds of conversations in your head.  Talking about them has become a hobby. There is a continued bent towards getting revenge.


You swear that it is all their fault. Everyone is out to get you. They don’t like you. Yet, you didn’t admit that you were very short with them when you first met.

Stories can go on and on about ways we can be toxic. 

So let’s say we discovered that we are toxic, now what?

How to Change it

1. Recognize that you are not perfect

I know this is hard for many of you to read. Sadly, I wish we could all be perfect. The truth is that there was only 1 perfect person and we are not Him.

With that said: 

[bctt tweet=”The quicker you recognize that you are not perfect the better you will be. ” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

2. Allow someone “you trust” to speak into your life

This one was huge for me.

There are so many people out there wanting to give you advice. They may or may not know you, but they want to teach you.

You do not need another person to give you “Advice” 

[bctt tweet=”What you and I need is someone to call out our junk.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

They don’t have to sugar coat it. There doesn’t need to be any permission given to speak.

They are good hearted people who have your best interest at heart and are not afraid to tell you what the problem is.

Those are the type of people who you surround yourselves with.

I mentioned TRUST as a part of that.

Trust is the things that help us swallow a hard pill. 

When I know that someone, who I trust, is telling me that I am jacked up in an area of my life: I believe them. 

In a sea of unsolicited advice, you have to find the diamond in the rough. Someone who isn’t afraid to tell you like it is.

They help guard your heart by making you aware of your blind spots.

3. Set up a plan to start working on your junk

 G.I. Joe (Yes the cartoon) use to do a PSA (Public service announcement) after each episode.

The person who learned something use to say

“Now we know!”

Then one of the G.I. Joe’s would follow up with:

“And knowing is half the battle.”

What an incredible statement. Knowing IS only half the battle.

The question is:

What will you do with what you know?

Here is where it gets practical.

When I realize that I am not perfect and I have someone who speaks truth into my life I will know what I need to deal with.


When I know what I need to deal with I can put a plan in motion to find healing in that area of my life.

I will:

  1. Research my problem via google. You can find ANYTHING on google.

  2.  I find books that speak to my problem.  There isn’t a problem out that that hasn’t had a book written about it. Find it and read it.

  3. Then I reach out to people who I know have found victory in the area of my problem. I ask them to coach me.

[bctt tweet=”You make progress through mentors or mistakes.” username=”jim_Burgoon”]

I will choose the mentor route. It’s less painful.

Then when I have my information, my books, and a list of potential coaches I get to work and make a plan.

My plan: Creating logical NEXT STEPS that will lead me towards healing.

This was a longer post, but I think it is full of value for you.

Join the conversation:

How have you overcome problems and issues in your life? What is a practical step that you can share that would help others?

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About the Author Jim